It has been a year and a half since our daughter Hazel was taken from us. Tragically. Without any warning. It is still crazy to reflect back on that day... just a normal Tuesday afternoon. So much has changed since then. I remember sitting in that hospital room thinking how I am ever going to walk out of there without my daughter. How would I ever live without her? How am I supposed to be a good Mom to Lucas and a good Stepmom to Jackson? How am I supposed to be a supportive, loving wife? How am I ever going to go back to work again to provide for my family? Talk about daunting thoughts.
Truthfully, I don't remember much about those first couple weeks / months. The stereotypes are true, it's like walking in a daze. You are so unaware of who is around you, what day it is, what time it is, etc. I truly don't know how we pulled it together, but every single day someone loses someone they love...way too soon. They have to pull themselves together to plan memorials and funerals. We aren't much different from anyone else in that aspect. It's just truly something you never in a million years think you would ever have to face.
After almost 2 years of being in the depths of grief, I have such a new perspective on life. I have learned so many things from so many different people. I have received so much needed help. I thought I would share some ways grief has shaped me and also some things that grief has taught me.
Losing my daughter has made me unafraid of dying. Of course it's not something that I want to happen, but I truly am not afraid of when that time comes. I know there is someone waiting for me on the other side, and it truly brings me peace.
And with that = My peace is my priority. I have found that I have zero capacity for things in my life that don't give me peace. There is such a large part of my heart and head that will continuously be taken up by the death of my daughter, that I must choose wisely what deserves to take up the rest of the space.
Capture the memories. I am the person who takes the pictures and the videos and annoys everyone. But I can tell you that NOBODY says a word anymore. You never ever think you will go through the things we have been through, but the truth is it can happen to anyone. I am so grateful for ALL the pictures and videos of Hazel, they are true treasures and I don't know what I would do without them. Sure, I've been called crazy, but wow I have absolutely no shame.
My cup empties so much faster now. This is something I have really noticed in my grief. It takes so much more effort to fill my cup and it is SO IMPORTANT to find ways to do that...and for everyone it's different. For me, it's The Hazel Joy Memorial Foundation. It's doing things to honor my daughter. It's perfecting Lucas's joke collection. It's watching a new show with my husband. It's truly the little things. It's so easy to fall into grief and depression, which makes it extra important to find those things that fill up your cup. (I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NICE WEATHER!)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help. I needed help, I still do. I am grateful for modern medicine and have massive respect for the psychology field.
I'll never forgive those who gave us a hard time while we were going through a hard time. Like I said earlier, the first couple of weeks / months were a blur for us. We were dealing with SO many emotions at once - anger, sadness, anxiousness. I'm sure we weren't the most pleasant to be around...but who would be? I am so grateful for those who were there for us, and continue to be there for us. You truly have no idea how much your support has helped us get through the worst of times. We owe SO MUCH to my parents, family and our friends - I truly do not know where we would be without them. But the reality is, we lost people in this grief...and it's truthfully just still unbelievable. As if having to deal with the death of your daughter wasn't enough.
Not everyone's trauma gives them thick skin.
Choose my kids. In every situation, at any time, over anyone. Choose my kids. There is a lot of guilt that has come along with my grief. Listening to and protecting my children from people who 1. just don't care about them 2. pretend like they do don't deserve any space at our table. Being pregnant with another child is terrifying, but I know I will never make this mistake again.
This is a quote that I wanted to share that just resonates with me and my feelings on not ever being able to get the answers we so desperately want: "One of the hardest things to do is move forward without all of the answers. Sometimes you need to move on not exactly knowing why - and be okay with that. Maybe closure is actually really all about you. You are the one who chooses to put one foot in front of the other each day, no one else can do that for you. So maybe it is possible to move forward - even when the reasons why are a mystery. Closure is not something we are all fortunate enough to get, so trust that you have the strength to get yourself through this season, with, or without the answers. Maybe the answers will come on day in the future, once you are ready to see them." I read this often.
Lastly, and truthfully the most important = Keep going, that person in heaven doesn't want me to quit. Every single day I ask myself if my daughter would be proud of me. Most days it's yes, others it's a no, but that's okay. I am trying my best, and that is truly all I can do!
Thank you everyone for being there. For coming along on this journey. It isn't pretty, it isn't fun, but you're still there. And for that we are SO grateful.
Jamie - Hazel's Mommy